I also provide a list of the easy-to-read symbols I use in editing.
For My Evaluations:
Included here are
(1) My evaluations are always honest. Here's a typical evaluation I recently completed for a romance novel
(2) My evaluation for a beyond atrocious manuscript
(3) Various excerpts from my critiques.
Josephine's Deception
Dear Author,
Before I begin my evaluation of your romance novel, Josephine's Deception, I must tell you that we who edit and critique must sometimes make difficult decisions. My difficulty with Josephine's Deception is that I see you are a strong writer with great potential and do not want to discourage you; however, I feel compelled to tell you that in my not-so-humble-opinion, your manuscript, as is, will never sell. But don't despair, it's fixable. Following are some suggestions that will improve your story:
My big problem with your story is: Not enough conflict! I always read the chapters first, then the synopsis. That’s why I could not find any conflict in your story until I read the synopsis. Going back through the chapter, I finally found a hint of conflict on pg 19: John has scandalized society; therefore, he cannot properly court Josephine.
But where is Josephine’s conflict? Our heroine seems happy and content, looking forward to her London social season. That’s all very well and good, but if you don’t give your protagonist a problem, then why should the reader keep reading the book?
Years ago, long before I was published, I attended a workshop where I picked up some unforgettable advice: ALWAYS THROW A LOT OF ALLIGATORS IN YOUR HERO/HEROINE’S PATH. The more the better. Give your heroine enough alligators that the reader has GOT to keep turning those pages to find out how the heroine resolves her conflicts and how the story ends. The hero, too.
FOCUS ON THE HERO/HEROINE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE By that I mean:
1) Don’t open the story with a minor character’s dialog. When I read that opening line, I thought, okay, this story is about Lizzie the maid, which, of course, it is not. Whenever possible, and it would be in this case, open with the heroine’s dialog so the reader will know immediately this story is about Josephine. And stay with Josephine and avoid getting into the heads of minor characters.
2) Unless it’s essential to the story, stay away from any scene that doesn’t involve the hero or heroine. For example, on page 16, two neighbors are having a discussion. One is explaining Josephine’s new "method" of gardening. Why not have Josephine explain her method herself? In fact, you would have a much stronger scene if you had Josephine defending her method against the neighbor's doubts.
3) Stay in the heroine’s head as much as possible. There is too much internalizing (inner thought) among the minor characters.
DON’T KILL THE HORSE: Concerning that carriage accident where you write, "it did not look good for one of the horses..." Since the fate of the horse has nothing to do with the plot, I’d suggest you don't distract the reader, who may very well be an avid animal lover. Let the horse live, and, in fact, not even be injured in any way.
Editing matters: Your spelling, grammar, and syntax are excellent with one exception:
ON PAGE 2: "But I will," she laughed. This is a common mistake among writers and, unfortunately, the mark of an amateur. A character can say, yell, holler, whisper, screech, a line (and more), but "laugh" is not a verb that indicates speech. Nor is "she smiled," another common mistake. Easy to fix, though. Just put a period after "will" and make "she laughed" a separate sentence.
In conclusion, I cannot stress strongly enough that Josephine's Deception needs more conflict. Also the descriptions of the house and gardens are lovely, but I would work them in as the story progresses, not put all the rather lengthy descriptions up front.
Other than the above suggestions, I think you’ve written a good book that, with some changes, is quite publishable. I wish you success in your writing career and expect to see you in print one of these days!
Shirley Kennedy
