Excerpts from some of my evaluations:

For tighter writing you might consider using fewer descriptive verbs in places where they’re not necessary. For example:

    Page 8: "Not one with great devotion to be sure," Nicholas assured her hastily.

    No need for the "assured." It’s clear in his dialogue that he’s assuring her.

    Page 11: "But think of the personal cost," she persisted.

    No need for "persisted." It’s obvious she’s persisting in the dialogue.

    Also, you could get rid of quite a few "said’s" when it’s obvious who’s talking. I like your use of tags, by the way–the mark of a professional writer.

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Dear Author, Thanks for the opportunity to read the first chapters of your most interesting and well-written historical novel.  The incestuous relationship with the aunt puts the story a bit on the dark side; however, I can see no problem if the situation is handled carefully, and you seem to be doing that. One word of caution: a hero who is too neurotic is not to be admired and not much of a hero. I can certainly feel sorry for Roger but lose my respect and admiration for him when he is tempted to take his own life.

    One of my concerns with your novel involves the implied assumption that traveling by ship was easy and comfortable in the year 1817. Perhaps there really was a ship sailing from America to England in the year 1817 where everyone had their own cabin, stewards served the passengers, and John "lingered in the empty dining saloon drinking his after dinner port." However, you might want to double check for this reason:.

     For one of my novels, I did considerable research on traveling by ship from England to Ireland during that period.  I discovered that for both rich and poor, conditions were abominable.  Not even the richest passengers occupied separate cabins.  Rich and poor alike were crowded together in a fetid hold below. Services were nearly non-existent.  The passengers had to bring their own food and bedding. Because of the instability of all ships back then, most passengers suffered from violent seasickness and had to stay in their beds most of the time.  Ships did not become more stable until much later in the century.

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The pacing  (of your Men's Adventure) is fast, as should be for that genre, and you've given depth to your characters so they're not cardboard.   My main concern is, good though your novel is, to put it bluntly, everything's generic.  e.g. In his around-the-world chase of the bad guy, your hero, Max,  lands at a lot of different airports.  In your book it's all the same:  "He landed at the airport in Bogotá...He landed at the airport in Paris...He landed at the airport in Sidney...etc."  Generic airports.  No descriptions.  Dull.  I suggest you liven your rhetoric with something like the following:

"As his plane left the barren desert behind and approached the sprawling City of Las Vegas, Max peered down at the twinkling, beckoning lights of nearby Las Vegas Boulevard, known as The Strip.  He thought of other, better,  times when he'd come to Vegas to gamble.  Not this time, he thought grimly.  The wheels of his plane touched down at McCarran airport, prompting cheering and applause from fellow passengers.  They were here for fun and fortune.  He was here for blood. "

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